Friday, April 6, 2012
I recently lost a dear love and friend. He wasn't perfect, but he summed up just about everything you could ask for in a man. You see, he was only 43, but already he died from heart disease. We hadn't spoken in two years. You see, we had broken up several years before. I just got tired of waiting for him to make a decision about how much farther our relationship should go, plus I had moved back home. We had both hurt each other over the years, but the heart connection has always there. After coming home I was a mess. I was struggling through debt, my son wasn't doing well in school and I was desperately trying to find a way to end the feud between my mother and my grandmother. We still talked on the phone almost every night, but the distance was just too much after awhile. Plus, he wanted a child of his own, and I just wasn't willing. I realize now I was just a coward. Add other failed relationships and an unexpected pregnancy and we were pretty much no longer communicating. I was in the middle of a difficult relationship and just needed to connect with someone who made me feel safe and understood. That was Dave, he was one of my best friends. I just needed to feel loved, because I wasn't feeling it at all. My grandmother had died without reconciling with my mother and things were hard. My youngest child's father almost died when she was 1 year old, I was just a mess. I was in church, but my relationship with God was just starting over. So, I was fresh out of a relationship, trust money came available and I figured a vacation was exactly what I needed. So off to Portland I went. I had Dave fly to San Jose to drive up with me. It was a very long drive and we got the chance to talk about everything. Our time together was limited because of his job so I spent most of my time with other friends. Even though the familiarity and love was still there, it had definately changed. So after another attempt at getting back together, I realized that there were things he just couldn't forgive me for. I had to walk away and start fresh. It killed me to remove him from my friend's list and stop calling, it was like ripping myself apart. So now he is gone and there is no longer a chance to say good-bye. You would think I would feel so broken emotionally, but I have hope. I had lost hope years ago, but as my relationship with God strengthens, so my hope has returned. I will always miss Dave and he will always be in my heart, yet I have hope that I will see him again for eternity in a better place. We will have that chance to come together better then we ever were. I thank God for the hope to get through another day. I may have lost my love, but we will be reunited again. Even though the Lord has given me another wonderful man in my life who can bring a smile to my face, the one that didn't work out will always be missed.
R.I.P. Dave Duerksen 2012