The Cage of Fear

Sunday's message was given by my brother in Christ Brandon Buck and he did an awesome job. He usually does. He talked about trusting in God and God's promises. We have many promises from God, but we still have a hard time trusting Him. He has never failed us, but we constantly fail Him. Still, even so, He keeps His promises. Proverbs 3:5 and Proverbs 29:25. Fear is a trap, a cage with an open door we are too afraid to walk out of.

I had been trapped in a cage of fear for a long time. It wasn’t until I came back to church and started healing from the pain inflicted on me over so many years that I finally found the courage to take the out-stretched hand and come out of the cage. Mind you, I still did it shaking in my boots, but I made it out. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to crawl back in, but I have lots of support who are willing to step between me and that cage and help me up and back on my feet.

It really has been the Lord, looking at me like a beloved child and telling me that I am worth it to bolster my strength. My church family is a huge support system and I love each one of them, right where they are. We are all learning and growing together. I have hope again because I have been released from my cage. I have the love of several people. I have the love of my Heavenly Father and I know that everything will be alright in the end.

My Wish List Part 1

My Wishlist 4/18/12 (To Be Continued)

It seems like there might be some merit to this bucket list thing, so I thought, why not make one. I don't see it as being much different than a wish list, so perhaps that is what I will call it instead. So, these are some of the things I would like to see happen before I leave this world.

1. I want to see my son graduate. He is 19 and still stuck dragging his feet halfway through 11th grade.
2. My daughter to learn to stop stealing, and destroying things and her attitude change. For a 6 year old, it just isn't cute. She is proving to be quite willful.
3. Get out of my mom's house and into a place of my own.
4. To see my friends and family come to Christ and find healing from the pains in life.
5. Touch everyone's life in a positive and significant way.
6. I would love to see Bella’s dad make a real effort to be a Father instead of a cameo in her life, taking credit for creating her and enjoying the idea of being a dad without any of the work involved in raising her up.
7. I would love to see my church family come together in unity, and our Pastor not have to run his health ragged working with us.
8. I would like a cat with a temperament that Panthira possessed. She was a true therapy cat.
9. I would love to go back to Plymouth, MA just one more time.
10. I would love to go to Ireland, just once for a week.
11. I would love to love my husband in a way so deeply that it would drown out the love I have had for others.
12. I would love to learn to play the violin.
13. I would love for the stress to ease and my stomach to stop attacking me.
14. I would love to live somewhere breathtakingly beautiful.
15. I would love to have more time to spend at the beach.
16. I would love to get down to 150 obs.
17. I would love to not have to take any medication for anything.
18. I would love to have time for fun. I don't get to do fun anymore.
19. I would love to be able to finish reading the Bible all the way through.
20. I would like to learn about Bible Prophecy & Archaeology much more.
21. I would love to finish my cross stitch projects.
22. I would love to learn how to draw/paint really well.
23. I would love to do more scrapbooking.
24. I want to be a better mom.
25. I would love to go to Israel before the Rapture.

Rain

It's raining tonight. I love the rain, but then I always have. Everything feels cleaner when it rains. I always felt like the rain was washing me clean from the inside out. I would have to liken the rain to God's tears, shed over a dying world. His tears and His blood has cleansed me from sin so deep I couldn't find my way out. The rain doesn't bring me down, instead it makes me calm, I can sleep better and there is the feeling that someone out there understands me.

I used to feel depressed, the rain hiding my tears, but now things are different. I have joy for the first time in years. Life is worth looking forward to. I have a new extended famiy who support and love me no matter what. There is a safety with them I haven't experienced before. No matter what I share, they love me through the healing processes. It is a wonderful thing to have others help shoulder the load. I find such joy in helping others in the same way, though I guess I always have.

Resurrection Day 2012

Tomorrow is Easter/Resurrection Sunday. This cross is the symbol of my hope. I have hope again because Jesus died on a cross long before I was born, knowing that I would need salvation. He knew I could not reach Heaven without help. Death and Hell were conquered when He rose from the grave. Thank you Lord for a second chance. Thank you for bringing my hope back. Thank you for healing the hurts. May I always remember what you have done for me. Love you Abba!

Sisters

Got a chance to talk to my sister today. It has been a long time since we last talked. I could totally understand where she is at right now. She claims she is hopeless, but I know from personal experience that no one is hopeless. I know that hope can be restored, but it takes a spiritual conversion and faith to find it again. It is hard because I know my sister is not a believer. I find it hard to talk to her about the joy and hope and peace that I have found with God's help. While I ran from God, all I ever found was sinking despair. Something was always missing and it wasn't until I came into a personal relationship with Christ that I found what was missing. There are always the fears of rejection when you want to talk to loved ones about God. I find more peace in loving the hurting than in mocking their pain like I used to. I used to feel like a monster. I prided myself on being emotionally cold and hard hearted. I loved that people were afraid of me. Over time the isolation ate me alive inside and all I wanted to do was die. I felt hopeless too and dead inside. Now I find myself an active member in a ministry of tears. Liquid prayers that fall for those who are hurting. I feel her pain like no other because we have always shared a unique bond. It breaks my heart to know she hurts so much. I only wish I could show her what I have seen, but it is something that has to be experienced for oneself, and it is not a fast process but a slow and painful one. Healing from the pain can't happen without facing it head on. In the past few years I have found so much healing from past pain that my burdens are so much lighter. Hope has been restored.

Blackhawk

I recently lost a dear love and friend. He wasn't perfect, but he summed up just about everything you could ask for in a man. You see, he was only 43, but already he died from heart disease. We hadn't spoken in two years. You see, we had broken up several years before. I just got tired of waiting for him to make a decision about how much farther our relationship should go, plus I had moved back home. We had both hurt each other over the years, but the heart connection has always there. After coming home I was a mess. I was struggling through debt, my son wasn't doing well in school and I was desperately trying to find a way to end the feud between my mother and my grandmother. We still talked on the phone almost every night, but the distance was just too much after awhile. Plus, he wanted a child of his own, and I just wasn't willing. I realize now I was just a coward. Add other failed relationships and an unexpected pregnancy and we were pretty much no longer communicating. I was in the middle of a difficult relationship and just needed to connect with someone who made me feel safe and understood. That was Dave, he was one of my best friends. I just needed to feel loved, because I wasn't feeling it at all. My grandmother had died without reconciling with my mother and things were hard. My youngest child's father almost died when she was 1 year old, I was just a mess. I was in church, but my relationship with God was just starting over. So, I was fresh out of a relationship, trust money came available and I figured a vacation was exactly what I needed. So off to Portland I went. I had Dave fly to San Jose to drive up with me. It was a very long drive and we got the chance to talk about everything. Our time together was limited because of his job so I spent most of my time with other friends. Even though the familiarity and love was still there, it had definately changed. So after another attempt at getting back together, I realized that there were things he just couldn't forgive me for. I had to walk away and start fresh. It killed me to remove him from my friend's list and stop calling, it was like ripping myself apart. So now he is gone and there is no longer a chance to say good-bye. You would think I would feel so broken emotionally, but I have hope. I had lost hope years ago, but as my relationship with God strengthens, so my hope has returned. I will always miss Dave and he will always be in my heart, yet I have hope that I will see him again for eternity in a better place. We will have that chance to come together better then we ever were. I thank God for the hope to get through another day. I may have lost my love, but we will be reunited again. Even though the Lord has given me another wonderful man in my life who can bring a smile to my face, the one that didn't work out will always be missed.

R.I.P. Dave Duerksen 2012